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NOTHING BUGGY ABOUT
BELIZE: I specialize in Exotic Vacation Spots
Private Island Retreat
Sue lifts
herself onto one elbow and whispers in the dark. “There’s a bug on the
ceiling.”
I am lying
on my side, almost asleep; a light tropical breeze is blowing through the
palms. The gentle surf is curling to the foot of our beach cabana; and I
have two beers in my belly. I pretend not to hear her.
“There’s a
bug on the ceiling!”
After 26
years of marriage, I recognize the tone in her voice. It means: “I know
you’re not asleep. Get up and do your male macho thing and protect me.”
The sounds
of the surf, the warm breeze, the moon playing hide and seek with Central
American rain clouds, not to mention the beers, have made me about as
active as a steer at a Valium salt lick. I fully realize that I’m pushing
my luck, but once again I pretend not to hear her. Silence. Ah, maybe she’ll roll over and go to sleep.
Nope. Not a chance. Not in a million years. I feel it.
Long-married husbands know exactly what I’m talking about. Eyes, like laser
beams, bore into the back of my head. Even in the darkness, I know that she is
staring at me and all hell is about to break loose.
“Sue, there’s no bugs on the ceiling. There are hardly any bugs on the whole
island. That’s why it was selected as a resort. This place is famous for taking
good care of the guests. Just lie down, relax, listen to the waves and you’ll be
asleep in two seconds. I’ll bet no bug has ever fallen on anyone here.”
Oops! Another classic husband mistake, saying something stupid without thinking,
I feel her tension build. Eight years before, also on Christmas vacation, also
in Central America, also on one of my “crazy” trips, a rhinoceros beetle the
size and consistency of a day-old chocolate doughnut, chose to fall out of the
darkness, off the ceiling, onto Sue’s chest. I won’t elaborate, because the
result was predictable and not pretty.
“Miiiiike!”
Remote Tropical Resort
The
tone has reached the crisis stage. I get up, put on a T-shirt backward and
stumble trying to find a light. Easier said than done. Long Caye, a part of an
82-square-mile shallow lagoon called Glover’s Reef, is 35 miles off the coast of
Belize and has no electricity. Well, not electricity as we know it, with wall
switches, light bulbs and the usual household accoutrements. They have a
wonderfully efficient wind generator and some solar panels that keep the beer
cold when the sun is out or the wind blowing strongly, and batteries for night,
if you can find the light.
As
I step on a conch shell in the middle of the floor, the question flashes through
my mind: How do I get myself into these messes?
The
trip had started benignly enough, with the standard two-hour cattle call and
strip-search at LAX followed by a cramped flight on TACA Airlines. (My friends
call TACA Take a Chance Airline, but I have found them no more unpleasant than
any American carrier and usually serving better food). Clearing customs, and
immigration, and claiming our baggage once in Belize was a piece of cake. It
reminded me of the days of the old Orange County Airport and Air California. It
helped that Belize is an English-speaking country. A lot of people don’t realize
this.
After a get-together soft drink with Charlie, our guide, and our group of 15,
ranging in age from braces and firm thighs to the leading edge of the baby boom
(me), we boarded a high-speed boat, undoubtedly borrowed from one of those old
“Miami Vice” TV shows for a three-hour blast out to Long Caye for our
Belize kayaking adventure. A hint to those
choosing to make this trip: Don’t drink a lot of coffee or soft drinks before
boarding the boat. There is no “restroom” facility. A few of us resolved this
issue but I’ll spare the details.
Sue
had been apprehensive about traveling to Belize (she’s apprehensive about all my
trips) but the promise of warm water, snorkeling reefs so azure blue one feels
they are floating in space, and the chance to kayak and wind surf to her hearts
content won her over. The charm of Long Caye is that it is a water-lover’s
paradise. They have sea kayaks, surf kayaks, windsurfing, snorkeling and
certified scuba all at your disposal. Picture a group of 10-year-olds in a toy
store and told, “play with anything you want,” and you get the idea.
Evenings found the competitive types playing volleyball, but I preferred
watching the sunset lounging in a hammock. The food was so good that despite
all the physical activity, most of us gained weight (except for Sue; she never
gains weight). Some guests blamed the weight gain on the unlimited beer, soft
drinks, and rum punch but they couldn’t possibly be correct. Beer and desserts
on vacation have no calories, right? I could go into a lot more detail, but
anyone interested can check out the website for themselves (http://www.slickrock.com/longcaye.htm). I’m
not too worried about the place being overrun with tourists. Max capacity is 28
and the boat only runs twice a week. Compare that to Ambergris Caye, where about
90% of the tourists in Belize visit, which has 65 hotels with a capacity of
2,000 guests and 4,000 year-round residents.
Caribbean Vacation Packages With a Twist
Since there are no TVs, video games or movies on the island, evenings were
interesting. We actually had to talk to each other. Kids played board games and
the adults engaged in thought-provoking discussions. One night we pondered the
existence of God. Another night we went around the table describing our
“perfect” fantasy romantic weekend. (This one cost me two nights at the Ahwahnee
Hotel in Yosemite, but it was worth it). Other nights, the women ganged up on
the single and divorced guys giving them “advice” on dating, finding the “right”
woman, what to do on dates, etc. We married guys were smart enough to stay away
from these discussions and give our advice when the women weren’t around,
otherwise we’d probably have spent a few nights sleeping with the hermit crabs.
Speaking of hermit crabs, one tradition on Long Caye is a hermit crab
race. Everybody, young and old, scours the island to find their own “racing
crab.” Next the crabs are put into training. Conditioning regimens varied from
short hill climbs to total rest. I chose carbo-loading for “Studly.” I gave him
part of a cheeseburger and a dish of beer. (He actually came in second). The
crabs are then placed on the middle of a huge circle and the first one to the
edge wins. You would have thought we were at the Kentucky Derby. People went
nuts cheering for their favorites. I don’t know how much money changed hands,
but it looked considerable. Sue’s little lean and mean “Squeaky” took the trophy
with a masterful performance right out of “Chariots of Fire.”
All
in all, it was a pretty fun trip. We were beached for a couple of days because
of high winds, but no one looked too bored. A good book, a cold drink and a
hammock is hard to beat on a private island vacation. This isn’t a trip for the “anything less than two
showerheads is unacceptable” crowd, but everyone seemed satisfied with the
outside showers and toilets. In fact, the compositing toilet was once featured
on the cover of Outside magazine.
Oh,
the “bug” on the ceiling? Well, after I found a light, bandaged my foot and
started looking, it turned out there never was a bug. The ceiling and roof of
the cabana is thatched palm fronds. The gentle breeze that night had a few
fronds rubbing together.
For
further information on this trip, jungle/sea combo trips, and a three-day tour
visiting Tikal in Guatemala and
Mayan temples in Belize, contact Slickrock
Adventures: (800)390-5715.
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